I flinch when you yell too loud,
Even when it’s not at me.
And I cry behind my hands,
When I know you can’t see.
I try to hide the pain and the anxiety
I smile even when my heart is breaking
And I’ve lost track of everything I should be faking
I’m ashamed of this sickness, this hold it has on me
And my reactions to this ridiculous disease.
I don’t know how to tell you that I can see the demons in my head.
That they’re so real to me, sometimes I hide from them.
I keep my heart closed so it can’t break again.
And I write out these words when I want it to end.
But on the outside I look fine and I laugh and I joke.
And then I turn away right before I’m about to choke.
When I open up and try to say what’s wrong,
These words get stuck and all tangled up.
I get so defensive, I even get mad at myself.
But all I hear is silence when I’m screaming for help.
They’re like, it’s a defense mechanism and you’ll be fine,
But I’m so fucking defensive all the fucking time.
If I didn’t do anything wrong, why am I sitting here in tears?
And why do I feel like you’re gone even when you’re right here?
I feel like I’ve lost you and everyone else.
When really the only person I’ve lost is myself.