Tag Archives: sadness

Lost Again

I flinch when you yell too loud,

Even when it’s not at me.

And I cry behind my hands,

When I know you can’t see.

I try to hide the pain and the anxiety

I smile even when my heart is breaking

And I’ve lost track of everything I should be faking

I’m ashamed of this sickness, this hold it has on me

And my reactions to this ridiculous disease.

I don’t know how to tell you that I can see the demons in my head.

That they’re so real to me, sometimes I hide from them.

I keep my heart closed so it can’t break again.

And I write out these words when I want it to end.

But on the outside I look fine and I laugh and I joke.

And then I turn away right before I’m about to choke.

When I open up and try to say what’s wrong,

These words get stuck and all tangled up.

I get so defensive, I even get mad at myself.

But all I hear is silence when I’m screaming for help.

They’re like, it’s a defense mechanism and you’ll be fine,

But I’m so fucking defensive all the fucking time.

If I didn’t do anything wrong, why am I sitting here in tears?

And why do I feel like you’re gone even when you’re right here?

I feel like I’ve lost you and everyone else.

When really the only person I’ve lost is myself.

Maybe We’re Like Johnny and Penn

Hey guys.

That title probably doesn’t make that much sense. I’m watching a movie on Netflix and Johnny and Penn are two characters who start out in a relationship and who do love and care about each other, but they’re not right for each other in that way. So they split up.

There’s a difference between them and how I’m feeling though.

I’m head over heels madly and deeply in love with him. He made me believe in love again. He stole my heart and he’s everything I’ve ever wanted in my life. He is my life.

But when I see people kissing in movies with that spark in their eyes, kissing deeply and lovingly and emotionally, it hurts my heart, because he doesn’t kiss me like that. He doesn’t pull me close to him and tangle his fingers in my hair and kiss me like I’m the only girl he’s ever kissed. I get life isn’t a movie and things aren’t a fairytale. But I just want to feel like his dream girl.

I don’t want to feel like he’s forcing himself to be in love with me when his heart is somewhere else. I think we could be amazing friends. We could have a great time hanging out and playing Pokemon Go and playing COD and watching movies and we could laugh all the time.

But as I think about us moving in together and sharing a room, sharing intimate space and about how he stops talking so much when I talk about things like marriage and the future, I can’t help thinking maybe we should have stayed friends.

Maybe when I started looking at him and feeling my heart skip beats I should have ignored it. When I told him I liked him and he talked about still being obsessed with his ex, maybe I should have let it go there.

I don’t know if I’ll even post this, but I can’t help thinking as I sit here, that maybe the man of my dreams, only sees me as a friend when I see him as home.

Thanks for listening guys.