Tag Archives: love

Love and Anxiety

So I talk about my anxiety a lot and I want to throw some positive into the mix as well (even though there will be a little negativity in this post. But, we have to take the good with the bad sometimes.)

We shall start with the bad. I’ve been in quite a few relationships before and quite a few ended because of my anxiety. I’m sure there were other problems as well but my anxiety was a huge part of it. I’d get anxious and start overthinking everything the other person would do or say and if we got in the littlest argument I was convinced they didn’t love me anymore. Eventually I would convince myself that they didn’t love me and didn’t want me around but were just too polite to say it and I would leave for fear and anxiety that I was just a bother. They usually took me back after I left and realized I made a huge mistake…until it happened 3 or 4 more times. My ex fiance let it happen for almost 3 years (even though he showed how much it annoyed him) and I didn’t appreciate him as much as I should have.

I am currently with someone and have been for a little over a year now. I still can’t talk to him about my feelings without constantly apologizing and/or crying and sometimes I lie and tell him nothing is wrong only to text him about it later. He is simply the kindest and most supportive and understanding person I have ever met. He holds me, tells me it’s ok and assures me he’s not going anywhere. One time I was being particularly anxious he specifically told me he would never leave me because of my anxiety.

This weekend when I stayed over I had an anxiety meltdown at work and when I came home he just held me and kissed me until I calmed down. He tries so hard to make me happy and make sure I know he loves me and isn’t going anywhere and i’m so incredibly happy to be with him and have someone like that.

My anxiety still gets to me and makes me worry about the future but it’s actually getting less so with him around and that’s something I didn’t think was possible.

So, yeah, short post about love and anxiety.

As always, have a goodnight!

Trouble At Home

So…I’d like to talk about some personal stuff with you guys (another reason why I keep my identity and stuff about me private). I don’t really feel like I have many people to talk to since the issues I’m having are with my family and it’s hard to talk to my boyfriend and people around me because I live in one of those towns where everyone knows everyone and it’s something I don’t really want spread around.

My dad is kind of a dick.

I attribute the anxiety and depression I suffer from to him and my childhood living with him. He used to drink a lot when I was child and was drunk a lot of the time and quite violent. Physically, emotionally, and verbally. That last for about 10 years of my childhood. He finally stopped drinking after I had surgery for scoliosis and it was successful. It was at this point I realized that that’s just his personality and I just happen to be blessed with crappy parents. My mom was also (and still is) quite a heavy drinker. My dad and her split up when I was quite young and I was stuck between him being abusive and drunk most of the time and her breaking promises and (when I did see her) being drunk and out of it. So all in all my childhood wasn’t the best. Being around drunken parents who get mad over things that  seem small in scale will definitely give you anxiety.

So fast forward to today when my step mom and dad are fighting because my step brother (who lives next door) buried dad’s old broken lawn mower (supposedly on purpose). My dad takes everything very personally and gets angry over the smallest things. It’s hard to even have a conversation with him anymore. Sometimes it’s just hard living in a home that doesn’t feel like home.

There is a silver lining in this. My boyfriend. Not be one of *those* people but I really do feel like he’s my home and I feel like I can get through anything as long as he’s by my side. No matter what I’m going through I know I still have him and that helps a LOT when it comes to my anxiety (especially when people are fighting).

I am also thankful for my wonderful readers and anonymity where I can truly talk to you guys about anything!

Thank you and, as always, have a goodnight!

First Line Generator

So I used a first line generator which generated part of a first line for me this time. Hopefully you all like this short story. Please leave me some feedback below and thank you for reading. As always, have a good night.

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The pen hadn’t been worth stealing but there it had been. Sitting on his shiny desk. Seeming like it was mocking her and her dusty desk. Her office that used to be a closet. That was haphazardly put together when there had been nowhere else to put her. It had no mouth but the new, shiny pen spoke volumes. Volumes about where he was in the company. Where she hoped to get to but so many people doubted she would. And then there was the other side. The other reason she had slipped the pen into her pocket. It had been easy of course. He was at another meeting, another luncheon with the heads of the company. Things she was never invited to.

She admired him, as much as it pained her to admit it. Admired the way he walked as if walking on clouds. With such a strong air of confidence it couldn’t be missed, even in this busy office building. She could sense when he walked into a room. Almost as if an invisible line were connecting them and she could tell when that line was tugged. It horrified her but she even suspected she was gaining feelings for him. The way she looked up when he walked by. How she straightened her skirt when he walked into the room. The agonizing time she was spending on her hair and makeup lately when she had never cared for makeup before. She was changing herself for a guy who didn’t even know her name. A part of her hoped he’d notice the pen missing. That he’d look for it, attempt to find it. Maybe she could pretend to have found it and return his pen to him. Or, maybe she would be daring, maybe she’d use the pen right in front of him. Maybe then he’d notice the frumpy clerk across the hall. The on who was always looking at him when he was on the phone. Talking and laughing with his clients as if they had known each other for years. Maybe, like for her, the room would be in a blur except for her and he’d see her clearly.

She went to bed that night with the pen in her purse. Wistful thoughts filling her head about how she’d return the pen. How they would strike up a conversation and it would begin his realization that they were meant to be. That them working in the same office was fate and he had just been blind before. Maybe he’d open his eyes and realize that she was his dream girl. She drifted off with these thoughts in her head.

The next day she took extra care picking out her outfit. Sleek black pencil skirt and royal blue blouse. The only one that had golden buttons on the sleeves. She slipped on her black pumps and her pearl necklace. Her hair was up in a bun and her makeup was applied with utmost precision. She arrived at the office early, hoping to catch him before another luncheon took him for the rest of the day. Maybe, after their encounter, he’d even cancel lunch to spend longer with her. As she entered the office however her spirits dropped. There, on his shiny desk, was an identical, brand new, shiny pen sitting exactly where the old one had been. The stolen pen had been forgetting and, with it, her wistful dreams.

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