Tag Archives: help

One Day

I’m screaming out into the dark

My hands reaching out between the bars

Begging for me to open my eyes

I rattle and shake the bars

I kick at the door and the chain trying to get out

Trying to break free

I know you’re there

I know you can hear me

Please stop turning away!

We can get through this together

I yell to myself

I know it’s all in my mind

It’s all there and I don’t know why

I try to fight

To push and to pull, anything to lift this veil keeping me here

This cage is too strong and I don’t know how to just open the door

I’m tired from fighting this war

So I sigh deeply and sit back down on the floor

 

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Self esteem

Hey guys! We all have days where we’re feeling down and not good enough and exhausted and like nothing we do is ever good enough. I was having one today. My cure? Do up your hair, put on some makeup and take 1, 20, 500 selfies. As many as it takes to feel better. If you absolutely don’t like selfies. Write and write and write until you can’t write anymore. Do a couple squats or crunches, re watch your favorite movie, treat yourself to some ice cream. Do something, anything to reset. Whether it takes 5 minutes or 5 hours. You need to be ok mentally before anything else. You come first. So, even if you do nothing else today or if you’ve been struggling to get through the whole day, just do one thing for yourself. I promise you’ll feel better.

Love you guys!

Support

Hey everyone!

So today I want to talk about something that might be considered a touchy subject. I love writing my blog and being more involved with my blog than I was in the past. I love talking to you guys (Please comment whenever you like!) and I love having somewhere I can use as kind of a creative outlet when I feel like writing poetry and short stories and I love the support I receive from you guys!

Recently we had an issue with the roof leaking and now we’re facing the possibility that we might have to move. Even with 3 adults, our income is very minimal considering two adults are disabled and I don’t make enough at my full time job to move right now.

I am asking that all my followers consider subscribing to me on Patreon. Again, I am only asking, I understand if it’s just not doable for you at this time and I still greatly appreciate your support!

Even if you can’t subscribe, I would love for you to at least share my page if you would be so kind so it can get to as many people as possible! I know the internet is capable of great things when we all work together!

Again thank you for all the continued support and I love all of you!

Have a wonderful day!

Social Media

Late night poem

Fuck me like you mean it

Like you need me.

Because I’m drowning again.

Making love to my insecurities.

I don’t believe it

Not for a minute.

I know you love me baby.

And I feel happy in your arms

But right now I’m slow dancing with my anxiety.

There’s tears coming in waves through my body.

And I don’t even know why

I thought I was happy.

Maybe it’s the depression talking

Or is that me?

It’s hard to tell the difference when I can’t even breath.

I distracted myself for a while

And maybe I was ok.

But it’s quiet and dark now

And nothing’s alright.

Do you think one day I’ll get over this?

Do you think it’s like the flu?

I don’t think that’s how it works

But god I hope so too.

I don’t want to feel this way

I want to live without a pause

Without stopping when the demons come to call

That must be what this is

Because It’s stealing my life away

And if this is just some game then I don’t want to play.

I’m laying here again with these tears on my face

I’m supposed to feel safe but I’m so tired of this place.

Would you like to switch bodies so I can escape for a while?

My mind is broken and I just want to be a carefree child

Do you want to hold me for a bit?

I think it could help

Even if I can’t be fixed.

Would you lay next to me in bed?

Please, save me from the monsters in my head.

News and new articles

Hey everyone! How are you? I’m sorry it’s been a while since I’ve been posting new things. I’ve been working a LOT recently and have been too tired when I’m not working to really post anything. However that’s hopefully going to change and that’s kind of what this post is about. I want to turn blogging into a living. I hate my current job because I work with the public and it makes me irritable and annoyed and quite tired as well to be around people all day. I much prefer to have time to myself and just relax. Since it takes money to do something for a living, I have made a Patreon page which I will include the link to if anyone wants to subscribe. Basically in return for subscribing you will receive a monthly newsletter letting you know about upcoming articles and videos (yes I will be trying to transition into video blogging alongside this blog) before anyone else knows about them and little tidbits and details others won’t know about. If you pick the next tier up to subscribe you will also receive a shout out both in this blog and whatever video I post after you subscribe as a thank you! As my blog and video blogging increases and my following gets bigger, there will be better rewards and information for subscribers.

If you can’t help through Patreon that’s absolutely ok! Just having people read my posts and be interested in what I’m doing and talking about is amazing to me! So thank you SO much for your support and for inspiring me to continue writing!

So, since as of yet I don’t have any subscribers, I’m going to let ALL of my wonderful readers know what’s coming up. First is going to be an article about motorcycle gangs and their connection (Real and imagined) to hell and Satan. After that I’m going to try to get back into writing fiction with my short stories and poems and I also want to do a makeup video. So, that’s what’s in the works and I’m so excited for you all to join me in this journey! Thank you again. As always, have a good night!

 

Patreon link:

https://www.patreon.com/Crystal4213

 

A little bit of help

Hey everyone,

I am writing to you to ask a favor. I hate asking people for help but I’m in kind of a desperate situation right now and I wasn’t sure what else to do. I could use all the help I could get. This will ruin my anonymity but the problem is bigger than that at this point.

About 3 months ago my grandmother passed away from cancer. We had the funeral service for her and it was beautiful. This was in the winter time (almost spring but temperatures have been unusually low here this year) so we had to wait to hear from the cemetery to be able to bury her. Fast forward to now and my grandmother still has not been buried. This is not because of the weather but because of an inability of the family to pay off the remaining balance to the funeral home. The youngest daughter of my grandmother has basically denied all responsibility for helping with paying, for contacting Cancer Society of America, or for doing remotely anything to help.

We have been trying to raise funds so my grandmother can be buried and it’s not going well at all so I set up a Go Fund Me page. I have attached the obituary for my grandmother to the campaign so hopefully everyone feels a little better about donating. I’m open to any questions anyone might have about it as well. I’m on here to ask everyone to visit the campaign and, even if you can’t donate, share it wherever you can. On facebook, wordpress, tumblr. Anywhere you can would be amazing. At this point the more people I can reach the better. Thank you so, so much for your help and feel free to comment me at any time.

https://www.gofundme.com/wkdnzn-grandma039s-burial

I didn’t have time for suicide

This is in fact a poem, I like to write poetry, another one of my coping mechanisms and this is one that I wrote today. Not one of my better poems but it was how I was feeling. I hope you all like it. Please comment and follow if you want to see more. Thank you.

 

I didn’t have time to kill myself today

The laundry wasn’t done

The dishes weren’t clean.

I could have done it after lunch,

But I had to mop the floor

and there was too much dust to ignore.

I had to go to the grocery store,

and the checkout line, was out the door.

I could have done it when I got home,

But on my way, I had to answer the phone.

After the phone call and dishes and tea,

There was no more time to kill the other me.

So I went to bed and pull up the sheets,

Maybe tomorrow I thought, as I fell asleep.

*************************************************************************************

 

So I didn’t write this to glamorize suicide or anything like that. I wrote it with the message in mind that the chores and all the things I have to do in a day are sometimes the only things I have to hold onto when the depression kicks in. Sometimes when you’re feeling suicidal and down and alone, you look for the slightest thing, anything, in your life to keep you moving, to hold onto when you feel like everything is slipping away and it’s not worth it anymore. So something as small as chores can get you through this bump in the road. I’d really like to know what you all thought of it, thank you and please comment and follow if you’d like to see more from me!

 

 

A new start

So, as you know from a couple posts back, I decided to stop doing SFI. Along with at I went through and deleted all of my posts from doing SFI. I want to take a new direction with this blog and make it more personal and more a discussion type of thing.

Another reason I decided to get rid of the older posts is because they link to my SFI page which has a picture of me on there as well as some private information. Some of my posts on this blog are going to be a more personal nature and talk about sensitive topics and I’d rather remain anonymous. I’m always here to talk and have a discussion but would rather not share any personal details about myself. There is, however, an exception to that. I have decided that if I get a significant amount of followers from this I will switch to video blogging and post my videos on YouTube as well as on here. I don’t expect that to happen soon, if ever, so for now I will be leaving this anonymous.

Now, on to the actual content of this post: anxiety. I suffer from really bad anxiety (undiagnosed) and depression (also undiagnosed) Sometimes I have a hard time coping and convincing myself everything is going to be ok and other days i’m fine and everything is sunshine and rainbows. I overthink almost everything people say to me and around me, I reread text messages that I send and that people send to me multiple times to make sure it sounds ok and I will usually find a hidden meaning in them that’s not actually there. I panic about the smallest things like going to a friend’s house or asking someone a simple question.

As for the depression part, I have cut in the past. Thankfully it’s been a long time. I feel emotions very deeply, especially love and sadness. Sometimes I find myself deeply upset and crying for no apparent reason. I cry myself to sleep more often than I let people know and I have days where I would prefer to sleep the day away and not get out of bed. I would also like to say that as someone who has cut, it is not romantic or “beautiful” and should not be glorified in anyway, shape or form. I’m not shaming those who do it or have done because I can relate but in my personal experience I didn’t do it so people would see my scars and pity me and feel sympathy for me. I did it because at the timeĀ  the pain from cutting wasn’t as bad as the emotional pain I was feeling and it was a sort of release. Luckily I have found better ways to cope since then such as reading, doing this blog, bubble baths, and listening to music. Sometimes exercise when I get really bored.

I find that something I really struggle with is being able to talk to people about how I’m feeling without it being medically diagnosed by a professional. I commend people who are going through these problems and struggles and who seek professional help and are getting the help that they need. I can neither afford professional help, nor do I want it. I don’t fancy the idea of taking medicines that will make me feel numb or nothing at all and as for talking to people I have my amazingly supportive boyfriend and all of you. However, sometimes people don’t take me seriously when I say I’m anxious or depressed. Yes I may not be CLINICALLY depressed or anxious but I know on some level the emotions I’m feeling and the way I’m thinking aren’t normal and I don’t feel that that should make my struggle any less concrete and important.

For society’s and simplicity’s sake I usually just say I’m feeling anxious or unusually upset when I talk about my feelings and I suppose I will do that through these as well. Please comment below about ways you find to cope even if it’s not with anxiety or depression but with any struggles and obstacles you may have and please NO negative comments. This is a safe space for open discussion and support. You are entitled to your opinions but DON’T be rude!

I am going to say goodnight for now and just share a song below that I heard for the first time today that I really relate to and explains how I feel and I hope it will help and comfort some of you as well!

 

PS-any pictures that I share in my posts have been taken and edited by me if they were edited. Please do not redistribute or use them without my permission. If you choose to ignore this then please at least credit this blog if you use them. Thank you!

Identity Crisis

Hey everyone!

This is the article I mentioned in my last post that I would be doing.

The backstory for this post is that I watched a documentary the other night on youtube that featured a youtube star that I watch pretty frequently. She’s gothic and she lives in Germany. The documentary was on gothic life and the gothic scene and the lives of individual gothic people. While I was watching the video I just related so much to what was being said and the people that were featured in the video. When the video was done I started thinking about my personality and the things I’m interested. I looked around my room which is covered in Nightmare Before Christmas and my window which is covered in a Nightmare Before Christmas blanket. I thought about my 90% black wardrobe and black shoes and how I spend my free time taking pictures of abandoned places and cemeteries and realized that I identify as gothic, or at least some subset of gothic.

This made me sad. Not because I wasn’t thrilled (I was). But because I can’t truly be myself. See while I was thinking about all this, I also thought about my anxiety and my depression and my family and job and my boyfriend. I realized that none of them would understand or accept me as a goth. My family for the most part and my boyfriend’s family is very religious and my boyfriend himself, while a very supportive and understanding person, wouldn’t be very tolerant of that lifestyle. Would I love to dress in black all the time and do up my face and paint my room black and red? Yes, yes I would. However, the people I love and care about most wouldn’t accept me anymore and I feel like that’s too big of a price to pay. I’m relatively happy on a daily basis and have developed a sort of day to day routine. My town in general also isn’t very welcoming to outsiders.

I have decided not to adapt the lifestyle but to be comforted by my books and poetry and visiting cemeteries and abandoned places in my free time. Does anyone else struggle with this or something similar? If so, how did you cope with it? Let me know in the comments!

PS: I mentioned above how photography is a way I cope with this struggle and also my anxiety. Below are some pictures I’ve taken if you’re interested!

Also please no messages saying I’m making the wrong decision or that I’m being stupid etc. It’s my own personal choice I’ve made. Thank you.