I’m screaming out into the dark
My hands reaching out between the bars
Begging for me to open my eyes
I rattle and shake the bars
I kick at the door and the chain trying to get out
Trying to break free
I know you’re there
I know you can hear me
Please stop turning away!
We can get through this together
I yell to myself
I know it’s all in my mind
It’s all there and I don’t know why
I try to fight
To push and to pull, anything to lift this veil keeping me here
This cage is too strong and I don’t know how to just open the door
I’m tired from fighting this war
So I sigh deeply and sit back down on the floor
So…I’d like to talk about some personal stuff with you guys (another reason why I keep my identity and stuff about me private). I don’t really feel like I have many people to talk to since the issues I’m having are with my family and it’s hard to talk to my boyfriend and people around me because I live in one of those towns where everyone knows everyone and it’s something I don’t really want spread around.
My dad is kind of a dick.
I attribute the anxiety and depression I suffer from to him and my childhood living with him. He used to drink a lot when I was child and was drunk a lot of the time and quite violent. Physically, emotionally, and verbally. That last for about 10 years of my childhood. He finally stopped drinking after I had surgery for scoliosis and it was successful. It was at this point I realized that that’s just his personality and I just happen to be blessed with crappy parents. My mom was also (and still is) quite a heavy drinker. My dad and her split up when I was quite young and I was stuck between him being abusive and drunk most of the time and her breaking promises and (when I did see her) being drunk and out of it. So all in all my childhood wasn’t the best. Being around drunken parents who get mad over things that seem small in scale will definitely give you anxiety.
So fast forward to today when my step mom and dad are fighting because my step brother (who lives next door) buried dad’s old broken lawn mower (supposedly on purpose). My dad takes everything very personally and gets angry over the smallest things. It’s hard to even have a conversation with him anymore. Sometimes it’s just hard living in a home that doesn’t feel like home.
There is a silver lining in this. My boyfriend. Not be one of *those* people but I really do feel like he’s my home and I feel like I can get through anything as long as he’s by my side. No matter what I’m going through I know I still have him and that helps a LOT when it comes to my anxiety (especially when people are fighting).
I am also thankful for my wonderful readers and anonymity where I can truly talk to you guys about anything!
Thank you and, as always, have a goodnight!