Tag Archives: feelings

Maybe We’re Like Johnny and Penn

Hey guys.

That title probably doesn’t make that much sense. I’m watching a movie on Netflix and Johnny and Penn are two characters who start out in a relationship and who do love and care about each other, but they’re not right for each other in that way. So they split up.

There’s a difference between them and how I’m feeling though.

I’m head over heels madly and deeply in love with him. He made me believe in love again. He stole my heart and he’s everything I’ve ever wanted in my life. He is my life.

But when I see people kissing in movies with that spark in their eyes, kissing deeply and lovingly and emotionally, it hurts my heart, because he doesn’t kiss me like that. He doesn’t pull me close to him and tangle his fingers in my hair and kiss me like I’m the only girl he’s ever kissed. I get life isn’t a movie and things aren’t a fairytale. But I just want to feel like his dream girl.

I don’t want to feel like he’s forcing himself to be in love with me when his heart is somewhere else. I think we could be amazing friends. We could have a great time hanging out and playing Pokemon Go and playing COD and watching movies and we could laugh all the time.

But as I think about us moving in together and sharing a room, sharing intimate space and about how he stops talking so much when I talk about things like marriage and the future, I can’t help thinking maybe we should have stayed friends.

Maybe when I started looking at him and feeling my heart skip beats I should have ignored it. When I told him I liked him and he talked about still being obsessed with his ex, maybe I should have let it go there.

I don’t know if I’ll even post this, but I can’t help thinking as I sit here, that maybe the man of my dreams, only sees me as a friend when I see him as home.

Thanks for listening guys.

Advertisements

Self esteem

Hey guys! We all have days where we’re feeling down and not good enough and exhausted and like nothing we do is ever good enough. I was having one today. My cure? Do up your hair, put on some makeup and take 1, 20, 500 selfies. As many as it takes to feel better. If you absolutely don’t like selfies. Write and write and write until you can’t write anymore. Do a couple squats or crunches, re watch your favorite movie, treat yourself to some ice cream. Do something, anything to reset. Whether it takes 5 minutes or 5 hours. You need to be ok mentally before anything else. You come first. So, even if you do nothing else today or if you’ve been struggling to get through the whole day, just do one thing for yourself. I promise you’ll feel better.

Love you guys!

Late night poem

Fuck me like you mean it

Like you need me.

Because I’m drowning again.

Making love to my insecurities.

I don’t believe it

Not for a minute.

I know you love me baby.

And I feel happy in your arms

But right now I’m slow dancing with my anxiety.

There’s tears coming in waves through my body.

And I don’t even know why

I thought I was happy.

Maybe it’s the depression talking

Or is that me?

It’s hard to tell the difference when I can’t even breath.

I distracted myself for a while

And maybe I was ok.

But it’s quiet and dark now

And nothing’s alright.

Do you think one day I’ll get over this?

Do you think it’s like the flu?

I don’t think that’s how it works

But god I hope so too.

I don’t want to feel this way

I want to live without a pause

Without stopping when the demons come to call

That must be what this is

Because It’s stealing my life away

And if this is just some game then I don’t want to play.

I’m laying here again with these tears on my face

I’m supposed to feel safe but I’m so tired of this place.

Would you like to switch bodies so I can escape for a while?

My mind is broken and I just want to be a carefree child

Do you want to hold me for a bit?

I think it could help

Even if I can’t be fixed.

Would you lay next to me in bed?

Please, save me from the monsters in my head.

Identity Crisis

Hey everyone!

This is the article I mentioned in my last post that I would be doing.

The backstory for this post is that I watched a documentary the other night on youtube that featured a youtube star that I watch pretty frequently. She’s gothic and she lives in Germany. The documentary was on gothic life and the gothic scene and the lives of individual gothic people. While I was watching the video I just related so much to what was being said and the people that were featured in the video. When the video was done I started thinking about my personality and the things I’m interested. I looked around my room which is covered in Nightmare Before Christmas and my window which is covered in a Nightmare Before Christmas blanket. I thought about my 90% black wardrobe and black shoes and how I spend my free time taking pictures of abandoned places and cemeteries and realized that I identify as gothic, or at least some subset of gothic.

This made me sad. Not because I wasn’t thrilled (I was). But because I can’t truly be myself. See while I was thinking about all this, I also thought about my anxiety and my depression and my family and job and my boyfriend. I realized that none of them would understand or accept me as a goth. My family for the most part and my boyfriend’s family is very religious and my boyfriend himself, while a very supportive and understanding person, wouldn’t be very tolerant of that lifestyle. Would I love to dress in black all the time and do up my face and paint my room black and red? Yes, yes I would. However, the people I love and care about most wouldn’t accept me anymore and I feel like that’s too big of a price to pay. I’m relatively happy on a daily basis and have developed a sort of day to day routine. My town in general also isn’t very welcoming to outsiders.

I have decided not to adapt the lifestyle but to be comforted by my books and poetry and visiting cemeteries and abandoned places in my free time. Does anyone else struggle with this or something similar? If so, how did you cope with it? Let me know in the comments!

PS: I mentioned above how photography is a way I cope with this struggle and also my anxiety. Below are some pictures I’ve taken if you’re interested!

Also please no messages saying I’m making the wrong decision or that I’m being stupid etc. It’s my own personal choice I’ve made. Thank you.