Tag Archives: depression

One Day

I’m screaming out into the dark

My hands reaching out between the bars

Begging for me to open my eyes

I rattle and shake the bars

I kick at the door and the chain trying to get out

Trying to break free

I know you’re there

I know you can hear me

Please stop turning away!

We can get through this together

I yell to myself

I know it’s all in my mind

It’s all there and I don’t know why

I try to fight

To push and to pull, anything to lift this veil keeping me here

This cage is too strong and I don’t know how to just open the door

I’m tired from fighting this war

So I sigh deeply and sit back down on the floor

 

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My Favorite YouTubers!

Hey everyone!

So I noticed that some of my most read and liked posts are about my favorites. Like my favorite songs and quotes and post like that. So today I wanted to talk about a few of my favorite YouTubers!

The first one I want to talk about is Gabbie Hanna. I watch her videos all the time now and one of the things I love most about them is that there’s always something different. Whether she’s trying something new like the keto diet (or should I say, torturing herself), or freaking out about getting a new piercing, there’s always something new and excited and sometimes heartfelt to watch from her. I will admit she can be a little obnoxious sometimes but, then again, aren’t we all?

I also love how relate able she is as someone who also has anxiety and depression I love how I don’t feel so alone in the anxiety and depression when I watch her videos. I definitely recommend watching her videos!

https://www.youtube.com/user/TheGabbieShow

Another YouTuber I’ve been watching lately is a little less heard of but he’s fascinating nonetheless and that’s Sam Johnson.

Sam Johnson is a voice coach who analyzes and reacts to famous singers singing. He analyzes their voices and what they’re doing to achieve certain sounds. He also sings a bit himself.

What I love about Sam’s videos is that he’s very honest and down to earth. He doesn’t judge singers on anything except their singing and voices and he just calls it likes he sees it

His videos are always fun to watch on his channel here:

https://www.youtube.com/user/squirrelbasher

Another YouTuber who I enjoy watching quite a bit is Glam&Gore aka Mikey.

I like her videos because she goes Glam and Gore makeup which nowadays makeup is fairly common online but I like the quirky twist she brings to it which keeps you watching to see what she’s going to do nice and her videos are always great for a laugh.

Her channel is here: https://www.youtube.com/user/GlamAndGoreMakeup

Most of all I like how they make their viewers feel appreciated and how they’re actually doing it for their viewers.

Thanks again for all the support!

Self esteem

Hey guys! We all have days where we’re feeling down and not good enough and exhausted and like nothing we do is ever good enough. I was having one today. My cure? Do up your hair, put on some makeup and take 1, 20, 500 selfies. As many as it takes to feel better. If you absolutely don’t like selfies. Write and write and write until you can’t write anymore. Do a couple squats or crunches, re watch your favorite movie, treat yourself to some ice cream. Do something, anything to reset. Whether it takes 5 minutes or 5 hours. You need to be ok mentally before anything else. You come first. So, even if you do nothing else today or if you’ve been struggling to get through the whole day, just do one thing for yourself. I promise you’ll feel better.

Love you guys!

Overwhelmed

I’m sitting here, staring at this screen.

Words are appearing but I’m not sure I know what I mean.

My words are jumbling around in my head.

Five more minutes and I’ll forget what I said.

Maybe if I write it down.

I won’t end up as crazy as I sound.

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Hey everyone! Just a short poem before the end of the night. I had a long and stressful day so I though some poetry before the end of the night might help me de-stress before bed.

Thank you for all the support!!!

Don’t forget to join my other social media:

Social Media

 

Late night poem

Fuck me like you mean it

Like you need me.

Because I’m drowning again.

Making love to my insecurities.

I don’t believe it

Not for a minute.

I know you love me baby.

And I feel happy in your arms

But right now I’m slow dancing with my anxiety.

There’s tears coming in waves through my body.

And I don’t even know why

I thought I was happy.

Maybe it’s the depression talking

Or is that me?

It’s hard to tell the difference when I can’t even breath.

I distracted myself for a while

And maybe I was ok.

But it’s quiet and dark now

And nothing’s alright.

Do you think one day I’ll get over this?

Do you think it’s like the flu?

I don’t think that’s how it works

But god I hope so too.

I don’t want to feel this way

I want to live without a pause

Without stopping when the demons come to call

That must be what this is

Because It’s stealing my life away

And if this is just some game then I don’t want to play.

I’m laying here again with these tears on my face

I’m supposed to feel safe but I’m so tired of this place.

Would you like to switch bodies so I can escape for a while?

My mind is broken and I just want to be a carefree child

Do you want to hold me for a bit?

I think it could help

Even if I can’t be fixed.

Would you lay next to me in bed?

Please, save me from the monsters in my head.

Anxiety and Music

Human by Krewella and In My Blood by Shawn Mendes.

These are the two songs we’re going to be talking about today. They are two of my favorite movies currently and each for a different reason and some very similar reasons.

Human by Krewella is a song I’ve been listening to for a while but lately it’s meant more to me. The chorus goes like this,

“They say pain is an illusion, this is just a bruise, and you are just confused but I am only human, I could use a hand sometimes. I am only human”

I love this because sometimes we’re going through things and people don’t understand. Especially with anxiety and depression people tend to shake it off or downplay things when you say you’re shad or having a bad day. They say things like it’ll be fine or you’ll feel better or just breath. They don’t understand that you’ve tried doing the things you love and tried feeling better and you even tell yourself sometimes that you’re just anxious or depressed and you’re actually fine but nothing helps. Nothing stops the tears or lifts the heavy feeling from your heart.

Sometimes we just need someone to understand that we’re only human and sometimes it’s all just too much.

The next song is a little more uplifting and inspirational in my opinion and that’s In My Blood by Shawn Mendes.

This song is sad and talks about wanting to give up and feeling nothing and insecure which I can definitely relate to but the chorus of the song is what gives me hope and which I find so inspiring. It says “I feel like giving up, but I just can’t it isn’t in my blood.”

No matter what you’re going through and what you feel or how you feel, you need to stick in there and fight through it. No matter what you can get through it. You are stronger than your anxiety and depression and anything you’re going through. Even if it doesn’t feel like it.

Shawn Mendes-In My Blood

Krewella-Human

I hope you enjoyed this post and thank you all for your support and for following me. I have a few more things I’d like to post soon as well so look for them.

“And here you are, living despite it all”

Hey everyone!

Today we’re going to talk about the quote tattoo I have on my left shoulder. I got it in March of last year. It says “And here you are, living despite it all.”

This quote is by Rupi Kaur.

I have no idea, still, who Rupi Kaur is or what the quote is from. I just came across it one day.

Why I decided to get it is a whole different story.

I didn’t have the best childhood. Growing up was hard and my parents split when I was young. I grew up with my dad and we moved around…a lot. I also had health issues like asthma and scoliosis which I eventually needed surgery for (a surgery for another time).

Then I found love after reuniting with a childhood crush and moved in with him and his family and we got engaged and life was amazing…until I went to college. We started to fight and argue a lot and a lot of issues came out and eventually we broke up for good.

After we broke up (and a few scattered times when I was quite young) I was very depressed to the point where I didn’t want to live anymore. I was barely 12 the first few times I tried to kill myself. It stopped for a while until those dark times after my fiance and I broke up. I didn’t see a happy future and I had built my whole life around him and now he was gone.

Finally I got better after lots of depression and mood swings, cutting and binge drinking. How I graduated college is still a mystery to me.

So in March of last year when I went to get the tattoo with a guy I had a huge crush on (not knowing I’d start dating him a month later) it meant everything to me. That despite EVERYTHING I had been through and even despite me trying NOT TO BE HERE, I was still living despite all of that. hence the quote “and here you are, living despite it all.”

So, naturally, you can imagine how upset I was when a quote mark was missing and I realized how off center it was and how it really wasn’t what I wanted it to be. I didn’t realize how important a quote mark could be until this past Tuesday when Chip, who did my rose tattoo, put the end quote mark on my quote and touched up some of the lines. I started crying and gave him a hug. My other two tattoos are Disney related. I love Disney but the quote really matters to me and is important to me and reminds me daily that I can overcome any obstacle, even if I don’t think I will get through it at the time.

I am so incredibly happy that it looks better and now looks like a finished tattoo.

So yeah, that’s the story behind my quote tattoo, sorry for all the depressing moments in this post guys. I promise to try to make the  next one more positive and thanks again for all the support!!!

Tattoo after it was touched up:

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Therapy Animals

Hello everyone!

So today I was just thinking about a different one of my posts where I took my dog for a walk in the woods and how relaxing and comforting it is walking my dog and spending time with her and this brought me around to the topic of therapy animals.

In my personal opinion having an animal to connect with is one of the best methods of therapy. They can just listen to you if you need someone to talk to or need to rant and, I know at least my dog, is very loving and cuddly and also super excited when I come home from work. When you feel alone and anxious and scared having an animal that’s always super excited to spend time with you can definitely help!!

Does anyone else have a therapy animal that’s changed your life? My dog isn’t a licensed therapy animal but she’s definitely very therapeutic for me.

As always, have a good night!

Late Anxious Nights

So here I am at 1:12am after a long day of work, writing my 3rd post for the night because not only can I not sleep, but I don’t really want to. Does anyone else with anxiety or depression stay up late doing things because when you lay down to go to sleep, all the thoughts in your head come out and you can’t get your brain to calm down long enough to fall asleep and you end up either crying yourself to sleep or worrying yourself into a restless sleep? I’ve had both occur so sometimes staying up and writing or playing on my phone until I’m so tired that I just pass out seems like the better option. It definitely doesn’t help with my sleep schedule but it helps with my sanity not staying up late and letting my anxiety come up with new things to worry about. (might write a poem about this soon so look for that.)

I’m going to shut off my laptop and play games on my phone until I fall asleep but just a short thought I had before bed. As always let me know what you think in the comments and have a good night/day. Thank you.

I didn’t have time for suicide

This is in fact a poem, I like to write poetry, another one of my coping mechanisms and this is one that I wrote today. Not one of my better poems but it was how I was feeling. I hope you all like it. Please comment and follow if you want to see more. Thank you.

 

I didn’t have time to kill myself today

The laundry wasn’t done

The dishes weren’t clean.

I could have done it after lunch,

But I had to mop the floor

and there was too much dust to ignore.

I had to go to the grocery store,

and the checkout line, was out the door.

I could have done it when I got home,

But on my way, I had to answer the phone.

After the phone call and dishes and tea,

There was no more time to kill the other me.

So I went to bed and pull up the sheets,

Maybe tomorrow I thought, as I fell asleep.

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So I didn’t write this to glamorize suicide or anything like that. I wrote it with the message in mind that the chores and all the things I have to do in a day are sometimes the only things I have to hold onto when the depression kicks in. Sometimes when you’re feeling suicidal and down and alone, you look for the slightest thing, anything, in your life to keep you moving, to hold onto when you feel like everything is slipping away and it’s not worth it anymore. So something as small as chores can get you through this bump in the road. I’d really like to know what you all thought of it, thank you and please comment and follow if you’d like to see more from me!