Tag Archives: anxiety

Organization of a messy person

Sometimes I wonder if I have OCD. But very mildly. I’ll have a day like I did Saturday where I vacuumed my room and did my laundry and cleaned off my desk and organized my things and made room and cleaned my bathroom counter and toilet and put in a new air freshener…and then I’ll have days like today where I put my water bottle on my newly cleaned counter in my bathroom and move the stuff I organized on my desk and take my laptop into bed with me even though I put it on the desk so I would actually use the desk. It’s like my life is a constant flow between order and chaos. And then of course I think about how the whole world is a constant flow between order and chaos. Nature, animals, work, our personal lives, space. Literally everything is a constant flow between chaos and order. I guess, sometimes it’s just more noticeable than other times.

I know this was short, but just something I had on my mind.

As always, have a good night!

Advertisements

Beach Vacation

So I talked a little bit in a previous post about how much I love the beach and the ocean and how it helps with my anxiety and helps me de-stress. Well I found out recently that I am actually going to the beach in late July. Work and life has been particularily stressful lately and I think it will definitely help.

I will make sure to take pictures and share them from the trip and hopefully I will remember to schedule some posts for when I’m gone.

I talk about the negatives of anxiety and how it’s affected my past and my relationships in a negative way but I also wanted to share the positives of how you can relax and some things that can help your anxiety even if they can’t cure it. I think being close to nature and the ocean helps us just reconnect to our souls and focus just on us and the universe and Earth and just brings us peace and calm. At least it does for me.

I also am beginning to appreciate classical music and the lack of words. Just listening to the instruments is surprisingly calming. Reading is helping a lot too and I’m currently in the middle of re-reading the Harry Potter books that brought me so much joy in my childhood, hoping that I can bring back that joy and those feelings I experienced as a kid. It truly is magical.

To end this post I would like to share a quote from one of my favorite fictional characters, Albus Dumbledore

“Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of time, if one only remembers to turn on the light.”

Love and Anxiety

So I talk about my anxiety a lot and I want to throw some positive into the mix as well (even though there will be a little negativity in this post. But, we have to take the good with the bad sometimes.)

We shall start with the bad. I’ve been in quite a few relationships before and quite a few ended because of my anxiety. I’m sure there were other problems as well but my anxiety was a huge part of it. I’d get anxious and start overthinking everything the other person would do or say and if we got in the littlest argument I was convinced they didn’t love me anymore. Eventually I would convince myself that they didn’t love me and didn’t want me around but were just too polite to say it and I would leave for fear and anxiety that I was just a bother. They usually took me back after I left and realized I made a huge mistake…until it happened 3 or 4 more times. My ex fiance let it happen for almost 3 years (even though he showed how much it annoyed him) and I didn’t appreciate him as much as I should have.

I am currently with someone and have been for a little over a year now. I still can’t talk to him about my feelings without constantly apologizing and/or crying and sometimes I lie and tell him nothing is wrong only to text him about it later. He is simply the kindest and most supportive and understanding person I have ever met. He holds me, tells me it’s ok and assures me he’s not going anywhere. One time I was being particularly anxious he specifically told me he would never leave me because of my anxiety.

This weekend when I stayed over I had an anxiety meltdown at work and when I came home he just held me and kissed me until I calmed down. He tries so hard to make me happy and make sure I know he loves me and isn’t going anywhere and i’m so incredibly happy to be with him and have someone like that.

My anxiety still gets to me and makes me worry about the future but it’s actually getting less so with him around and that’s something I didn’t think was possible.

So, yeah, short post about love and anxiety.

As always, have a goodnight!

Mental Illness:Medicine vs. Therapy

So today I wanted to talk a little bit about treatment for mental illnesses. The two different ones I wanted to talk about today are medicine and therapy. For the purpose of this post therapy will be talking to a psychiatrist. I want to also talk about professional therapy and personal therapy.

The therapy part of this post is going to be a bit longer so let’s start with the medicine part. I’m just going by my opinions here. I would not like to be treated by medicine for my anxiety. I am of the opinion that I’d rather feel worried and anxious than feel numb or be in a comatose like state of mine. Now, for someone that has a more severe form of anxiety medicine might be the best option for them. I honestly think it depends on a case by case basis and it also depends on what kind of medicine you’re put on and the strength of that medicine.

As for the therapy part of things I definitely prefer personal therapy. I have tried talking to someone before and it didn’t help at all. I feel like talking to my friends and family and people that actually know about my past and things I’ve gone through and just know about me as a person are better to talk to and more therapeutic. I also think doing things like reading, writing, watching movies, listening to music, exercise and really any hobbies people might have can also be viewed as therapy and help improve the mental state of people. Those are things I like doing and which I definitely think help when I’m feeling anxious such as writing on this blog.

That’s all for tonight and I’d like to hear your thoughts as well down below in the comments section!

As always, have a goodnight!

When Your Anxiety is Convinced the World is Going to End

So before I go ahead and launch into this post a few notes of caution:

1-This post is probably mostly fueled by my anxiety. I’m sure the world leaders can handle the situations I talk about in this post or they wouldn’t be world leaders.

2-This post is depressing! If you want to be happy and keep your sanity I suggest reading one of my other posts. Maybe a poem or short story!

Without further ado, here we go.

So after reading 2 news articles I have fully convinced myself the world is going to end. Or, as I so eloquently just texted my friend at 11:30pm, “I read the news and I’ve convinced myself thaat we’re all going to die from nuclear war soon but all anyone cares about is what Kim Kardashian is wearing and the government only cares about making us poor people poorer when it won’t matter because the world is going to end before I even get married and have kids :(.”

And no, I did not use any punctuation in the actual text message either. I would also like everyone to keep in mind that I had the same level of anxiety while thinking about the end of the world as I did while texting my friend saying I wanted to change the design of the tattoo I’m getting for our best friend tattoos. Because, priorities.

So getting back to the article at hand, it was basically an article about the World getting a two minute warning to nuclear war according to the doomsday clock and about how North Korea doesn’t want to give up their nuclear weapons. This with an article I read about Russia developing a supersonic weapon that will be ready in 2 years sent my anxiety on a field trip.

Like I said before, I’m sure that everything will be fine and that world leaders will be able to handle it. My anxiety, however, has no faith in our world leaders at all. So here I am sitting in my bed and googling how to stop a nuclear war from the comfort of my bedroom.

On the other hand I seem to have no anxiety currently over my medical bills or my student loan or anything that is a more imminent threat than the end of the world.

 

I guess since my anxiety is currently convinced that the world is going to end, it figures I won’t have to worry about my financial and personal troubles as much. This is actually a plus since it give me a break from freaking out about everyday stuff like I usually do.

So, anyway, that’s my anxiety’s dilemma for the day. Give me any feedback below. I’d like to hear what your anxiety convinces you about, or even any tips or tricks people have to get themselves out of anxious moods like this where you worry way more than necessary. Or even your thoughts on the doomsday clock and potential end of the world.

As always, have a good night!

Trouble At Home

So…I’d like to talk about some personal stuff with you guys (another reason why I keep my identity and stuff about me private). I don’t really feel like I have many people to talk to since the issues I’m having are with my family and it’s hard to talk to my boyfriend and people around me because I live in one of those towns where everyone knows everyone and it’s something I don’t really want spread around.

My dad is kind of a dick.

I attribute the anxiety and depression I suffer from to him and my childhood living with him. He used to drink a lot when I was child and was drunk a lot of the time and quite violent. Physically, emotionally, and verbally. That last for about 10 years of my childhood. He finally stopped drinking after I had surgery for scoliosis and it was successful. It was at this point I realized that that’s just his personality and I just happen to be blessed with crappy parents. My mom was also (and still is) quite a heavy drinker. My dad and her split up when I was quite young and I was stuck between him being abusive and drunk most of the time and her breaking promises and (when I did see her) being drunk and out of it. So all in all my childhood wasn’t the best. Being around drunken parents who get mad over things that¬† seem small in scale will definitely give you anxiety.

So fast forward to today when my step mom and dad are fighting because my step brother (who lives next door) buried dad’s old broken lawn mower (supposedly on purpose). My dad takes everything very personally and gets angry over the smallest things. It’s hard to even have a conversation with him anymore. Sometimes it’s just hard living in a home that doesn’t feel like home.

There is a silver lining in this. My boyfriend. Not be one of *those* people but I really do feel like he’s my home and I feel like I can get through anything as long as he’s by my side. No matter what I’m going through I know I still have him and that helps a LOT when it comes to my anxiety (especially when people are fighting).

I am also thankful for my wonderful readers and anonymity where I can truly talk to you guys about anything!

Thank you and, as always, have a goodnight!

Trichotillomania

“Trichotillomania is a type of impulse control disorder.¬†People with these disorders know that they can do damage by acting on the impulses, but they cannot stop themselves. They may pull out their hair when they’re stressed as a way to try to soothe themselves.” Source-www.webmd.com/anxiety-panic/guide/trichotillomania

So this is going to be a short post because I had to stay late at work tonight and then file some things online and I’m exhausted. I have trichotillomania. Luckily in my case it’s very minor. I pull my eyelashes out sometimes when I’m feeling particularly stressed. By now I’ve been doing it for so long that I sometimes do it just out of boredom without realizing I’m doing it. I found out what it was called somewhat coincidentally. I was sitting in my high school psychology class and was feeling particularly nervous because we were discussing anxiety disorders and I was just starting to wonder if I could be suffering from anxiety. It was as I plucking out an eyelash that my teacher started to talk about Trichotillomania…during which I forced myself to stop touching my eyelashes by sitting on my hands. I also pull on, twist, play with, and break my hair on my head quite often. As I said it’s fairly mild in my case so it’s usually just a strand at a time. I was just curious if anyone else reading this has this issue? I don’t really know how common it is and although I know many people suffer from anxiety I’m not sure how many people suffer from this particular anxiety disorder.

In my next post or the one after that (if my next post is a short story) I will talk about different ticks I have when I’m feeling anxious that I sometimes don’t even realize are ticks and didn’t start to notice until I came to terms with having anxiety. I will also go further into why I consider myself to have anxiety and the struggles that come with it. As always, have a goodnight! Please comment below if there’s anything you’d like to know as well. I am actually very easy to talk to!

You totally don’t have anxiety…said my anxiety

Today I wanted to talk about something that I experience a lot. As I mentioned in a previous post, I haven’t been professionally diagnosed with anxiety or depression and because of that sometimes I get anxious….about my anxiety. I have moments where I convince myself that I don’t have anxiety, I’m just crazy. Like the night before I was going to go to my boyfriend’s moms for Christmas and I was worrying because I had only gotten her a card and lottery ticket for Christmas and she had gotten me a ton of gifts. I sat there overthinking everything like how maybe I should run out and get something at 1am and how maybe if I didn’t get her anything she wouldn’t like me and would think I wasn’t good enough for her son and how maybe she didn’t like me already and this would just make it worse and OhMyGod what if she talks to him and his sister behind my back about how much she doesn’t like me? At this point I had reduced myself to tears over going to his mom’s for Christmas. It was also during this anxiety attack that I convinced myself I didn’t actually have anxiety. That I was just crazy and that I shouldn’t be thinking the way I was thinking. So then I started having anxiety about having anxiety.

It doesn’t help when you have family that, when you try to talk to them about, says it’s all in your head and if you just focus hard enough you can get rid of it. Like I haven’t tried that before. Like I haven’t tried writing, meditation, yoga, exercise. Any natural thing I can thing of short of anti psychotics. I don’t even like taking medicine for my hypothyroidism.

Anyway that’s my short rant for today. Has anyone else ever felt like this? Let me know in the comments and, as always, have a good night!

PS: I don’t know why but I love this song and it brings me peace.

Sinuses!

Is anyone else having horrible sinus issues? My head feels like it’s stuffed with cotton balls! I usually have that during this time of year but it seems to be even worse this year. I am going to try to post a short story or a poem later on. Not feeling up to par lately. I hope everyone is doing well!

I have been having some anxiety lately because I am moving to a different shift at work in the next few weeks. I have covered for that shift a couple times so I do know what needs to get done but it’s still nerve-wracking. Ironically I think it will be LESS stressful once I get started because I work in retail and the shift I am moving to is the least busy out of all the shifts. My main reasons for moving shifts are that it includes a pay raise and also my boyfriend is moving shifts at his job and we will be working at around the same times instead of how it is now where i’m going into work as he’s getting out of work.

Currently I am watching HellBoy II: The Golden Army. What are everyone else’s favorite movies?

I’m sorry that this post was so short and not filled with my usual deep discussion today. Just not feeling myself. I am going to try to write some short fiction and get it posted before bed and you will likely have another post “today” as it’s 12:21am right now where I am. As always, I hope you all have a good night!

Anxiety and Driving

So, let’s get straight to the subject of this post:driving. Does anyone else have serious driving anxiety? I am aware this isn’t restricted solely to people who have anxiety but sometimes mine goes a little over the norm. I frequently find myself taking a dirt road that probably isn’t great for the vehicle just to avoid the traffic on the hard road. I put my blinker on prematurely for the fear of getting rear ended when the driver doesn’t realize I’m turning. I’ve had my license for almost 3 years now and I still won’t drive on the highway. The actual speed doesn’t worry me. It’s other people driving that scares me. I have no idea what they’re going to do, you know? I don’t know, let me know if you have the same problem. I know this was a shorter post but it’s earlier in the day than I usually post so there will probably be another post later (with pictures!) and a poem or short story as well. Keep looking and as always, have a great day!