Late Anxious Nights

So here I am at 1:12am after a long day of work, writing my 3rd post for the night because not only can I not sleep, but I don’t really want to. Does anyone else with anxiety or depression stay up late doing things because when you lay down to go to sleep, all the thoughts in your head come out and you can’t get your brain to calm down long enough to fall asleep and you end up either crying yourself to sleep or worrying yourself into a restless sleep? I’ve had both occur so sometimes staying up and writing or playing on my phone until I’m so tired that I just pass out seems like the better option. It definitely doesn’t help with my sleep schedule but it helps with my sanity not staying up late and letting my anxiety come up with new things to worry about. (might write a poem about this soon so look for that.)

I’m going to shut off my laptop and play games on my phone until I fall asleep but just a short thought I had before bed. As always let me know what you think in the comments and have a good night/day. Thank you.

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The planet was her spouse.

She awoke, at what time she wasn’t sure. She floated to look out the window of the spacecraft. There it was, spinning slowly and gracefully, huge and blue, with stripes of grey. One lone teal ring orbiting around the planet. She admired it for a few moments more before heading to the small kitchen for a coffee.

As usual the coffee was stale and the air had the same filtered and artificial quality to it that it always did. She went back to the middle of the cabin and got her helmet on before proceeding to the spacecraft door. She waited in the chamber for the cabin to pressurize before exiting into outer space, her suit attached to the spacecraft. She floated as close as she could safely get to the planet. Gazing with love and admiration. It was 2080 on Planet Earth and they had become so progressive that you could marry anything you wanted basically. Even if it was already married, or not even alive. She had married this planet. It was 20 years ago now that she had become an astronaut and taken her first trip to outer space. As they went through their mission and were heading home, they had passed her planet. It was love instantly. The colors spinning on the surface, the wind gliding in the planet’s orbit. So she had gotten married to it and now she spent several weeks up here every year. She would love to spend more time up here but unfortunately it was too dangerous for the human body to be up in space for that long. Last time she had stayed a week past when she was supposed to come back and was threatened with losing her traveling privileges. She could visit more if she lived on Mars with the rest of her family, but she loved the natural air and green grass on Earth and the crisp ocean water on her skin.

As the spacecraft drew around the planet she turned on the gravity in the cabin, took off her clothes and laid in front of the window. Craving some personal time with her spouse before she had to head back to Earth tomorrow. The planet where she would never truly feel at home.

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I’m in a writing kind of mood today so I went on a writing prompt generator and the writing prompt was the same as the title of this post “The planet was her spouse.”

Let me know what you think and if you’ve written any short stories that you’d like me to read please let me know. Thank you!

 

 

 

I didn’t have time for suicide

This is in fact a poem, I like to write poetry, another one of my coping mechanisms and this is one that I wrote today. Not one of my better poems but it was how I was feeling. I hope you all like it. Please comment and follow if you want to see more. Thank you.

 

I didn’t have time to kill myself today

The laundry wasn’t done

The dishes weren’t clean.

I could have done it after lunch,

But I had to mop the floor

and there was too much dust to ignore.

I had to go to the grocery store,

and the checkout line, was out the door.

I could have done it when I got home,

But on my way, I had to answer the phone.

After the phone call and dishes and tea,

There was no more time to kill the other me.

So I went to bed and pull up the sheets,

Maybe tomorrow I thought, as I fell asleep.

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So I didn’t write this to glamorize suicide or anything like that. I wrote it with the message in mind that the chores and all the things I have to do in a day are sometimes the only things I have to hold onto when the depression kicks in. Sometimes when you’re feeling suicidal and down and alone, you look for the slightest thing, anything, in your life to keep you moving, to hold onto when you feel like everything is slipping away and it’s not worth it anymore. So something as small as chores can get you through this bump in the road. I’d really like to know what you all thought of it, thank you and please comment and follow if you’d like to see more from me!

 

 

A new start

So, as you know from a couple posts back, I decided to stop doing SFI. Along with at I went through and deleted all of my posts from doing SFI. I want to take a new direction with this blog and make it more personal and more a discussion type of thing.

Another reason I decided to get rid of the older posts is because they link to my SFI page which has a picture of me on there as well as some private information. Some of my posts on this blog are going to be a more personal nature and talk about sensitive topics and I’d rather remain anonymous. I’m always here to talk and have a discussion but would rather not share any personal details about myself. There is, however, an exception to that. I have decided that if I get a significant amount of followers from this I will switch to video blogging and post my videos on YouTube as well as on here. I don’t expect that to happen soon, if ever, so for now I will be leaving this anonymous.

Now, on to the actual content of this post: anxiety. I suffer from really bad anxiety (undiagnosed) and depression (also undiagnosed) Sometimes I have a hard time coping and convincing myself everything is going to be ok and other days i’m fine and everything is sunshine and rainbows. I overthink almost everything people say to me and around me, I reread text messages that I send and that people send to me multiple times to make sure it sounds ok and I will usually find a hidden meaning in them that’s not actually there. I panic about the smallest things like going to a friend’s house or asking someone a simple question.

As for the depression part, I have cut in the past. Thankfully it’s been a long time. I feel emotions very deeply, especially love and sadness. Sometimes I find myself deeply upset and crying for no apparent reason. I cry myself to sleep more often than I let people know and I have days where I would prefer to sleep the day away and not get out of bed. I would also like to say that as someone who has cut, it is not romantic or “beautiful” and should not be glorified in anyway, shape or form. I’m not shaming those who do it or have done because I can relate but in my personal experience I didn’t do it so people would see my scars and pity me and feel sympathy for me. I did it because at the timeĀ  the pain from cutting wasn’t as bad as the emotional pain I was feeling and it was a sort of release. Luckily I have found better ways to cope since then such as reading, doing this blog, bubble baths, and listening to music. Sometimes exercise when I get really bored.

I find that something I really struggle with is being able to talk to people about how I’m feeling without it being medically diagnosed by a professional. I commend people who are going through these problems and struggles and who seek professional help and are getting the help that they need. I can neither afford professional help, nor do I want it. I don’t fancy the idea of taking medicines that will make me feel numb or nothing at all and as for talking to people I have my amazingly supportive boyfriend and all of you. However, sometimes people don’t take me seriously when I say I’m anxious or depressed. Yes I may not be CLINICALLY depressed or anxious but I know on some level the emotions I’m feeling and the way I’m thinking aren’t normal and I don’t feel that that should make my struggle any less concrete and important.

For society’s and simplicity’s sake I usually just say I’m feeling anxious or unusually upset when I talk about my feelings and I suppose I will do that through these as well. Please comment below about ways you find to cope even if it’s not with anxiety or depression but with any struggles and obstacles you may have and please NO negative comments. This is a safe space for open discussion and support. You are entitled to your opinions but DON’T be rude!

I am going to say goodnight for now and just share a song below that I heard for the first time today that I really relate to and explains how I feel and I hope it will help and comfort some of you as well!

 

PS-any pictures that I share in my posts have been taken and edited by me if they were edited. Please do not redistribute or use them without my permission. If you choose to ignore this then please at least credit this blog if you use them. Thank you!

Identity Crisis

Hey everyone!

This is the article I mentioned in my last post that I would be doing.

The backstory for this post is that I watched a documentary the other night on youtube that featured a youtube star that I watch pretty frequently. She’s gothic and she lives in Germany. The documentary was on gothic life and the gothic scene and the lives of individual gothic people. While I was watching the video I just related so much to what was being said and the people that were featured in the video. When the video was done I started thinking about my personality and the things I’m interested. I looked around my room which is covered in Nightmare Before Christmas and my window which is covered in a Nightmare Before Christmas blanket. I thought about my 90% black wardrobe and black shoes and how I spend my free time taking pictures of abandoned places and cemeteries and realized that I identify as gothic, or at least some subset of gothic.

This made me sad. Not because I wasn’t thrilled (I was). But because I can’t truly be myself. See while I was thinking about all this, I also thought about my anxiety and my depression and my family and job and my boyfriend. I realized that none of them would understand or accept me as a goth. My family for the most part and my boyfriend’s family is very religious and my boyfriend himself, while a very supportive and understanding person, wouldn’t be very tolerant of that lifestyle. Would I love to dress in black all the time and do up my face and paint my room black and red? Yes, yes I would. However, the people I love and care about most wouldn’t accept me anymore and I feel like that’s too big of a price to pay. I’m relatively happy on a daily basis and have developed a sort of day to day routine. My town in general also isn’t very welcoming to outsiders.

I have decided not to adapt the lifestyle but to be comforted by my books and poetry and visiting cemeteries and abandoned places in my free time. Does anyone else struggle with this or something similar? If so, how did you cope with it? Let me know in the comments!

PS: I mentioned above how photography is a way I cope with this struggle and also my anxiety. Below are some pictures I’ve taken if you’re interested!

Also please no messages saying I’m making the wrong decision or that I’m being stupid etc. It’s my own personal choice I’ve made. Thank you.

 

Summer!

SUMMER IS FINALLY HERE! Well…spring time is.

I have decided to stop doing SFI. There just wasn’t enough profit for the amount of work I was putting in and my success relied too much on the success and hard work of other people. I think it’s definitely a good site if you have the time and resources to put into it but with a full time job it just wasn’t possible.

I definitely wanted to spend more time working on my blogging on a personal level and even on this site I’ve been posting pictures that I took so I decided to use this as more of a hobby and to get myself out there.

I have a long post I’m planning on writing in a bit about some self identity issues I’ve been going through so that will be coming soon and I’ve been taking lots of pictures that I plan to share with you guys!

If there’s anything specific you’d like me to write about PLEASE let me know! I want to get to know you as well.

On a last note I sincerely apologize to anyone who was following me for the SFI updates and the products. It just didn’t work out for me but if you’re interested I encourage you to pursue it and wish you better luck than I had!

Thank you and goodnight to all!

I’m Back

Hello again everyone! I’m sorry that I haven’t posted in a while. It does get a little hectic working a full time job, as I’m sure many of you know! I decided to take a break from posting about products and business opportunities today and just wanted to share some pictures of nature with you guys!

It’s finally warming up outside again and I’m sure you’re all excited for the warmer spring weather!

It was a perfect day for a walk today and I got a couple good pictures!

And of course my wonderful dog hamming it up for the camera. I hope you all enjoyed this beautiful day and I will be back with more products soon!

Please don’t forget to share and repost! Thank you very much.

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Life and how I'm coping with it (along with some writing)