A Day in Nature

So, I am sorry I didn’t post over the weekend. I went away and I didn’t bring my laptop with me. In the future I will try to schedule some posts for when I’m going away.

I am currently planning a beach trip with my boyfriend for the end of July so I will try to write some posts before I do that.

Today I went to Tanner Falls near Honesdale, PA and I want to share some pictures of them with you! There’s also a really cool bridge there that was built in 1855. Yes, it’s fenced and off limits to pedestrians….yes we crawled through the hole in the fence and walked across it…twice… NO I DO NOT CONDONE BREAKING THE LAW!!! It’s off limits because it’s very VERY old and unsafe to be on…my friends and I are just idiots.

With that being said, please enjoy the pictures!

(If you look closely there’s a double rainbow!)

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Mental Illness:Medicine vs. Therapy

So today I wanted to talk a little bit about treatment for mental illnesses. The two different ones I wanted to talk about today are medicine and therapy. For the purpose of this post therapy will be talking to a psychiatrist. I want to also talk about professional therapy and personal therapy.

The therapy part of this post is going to be a bit longer so let’s start with the medicine part. I’m just going by my opinions here. I would not like to be treated by medicine for my anxiety. I am of the opinion that I’d rather feel worried and anxious than feel numb or be in a comatose like state of mine. Now, for someone that has a more severe form of anxiety medicine might be the best option for them. I honestly think it depends on a case by case basis and it also depends on what kind of medicine you’re put on and the strength of that medicine.

As for the therapy part of things I definitely prefer personal therapy. I have tried talking to someone before and it didn’t help at all. I feel like talking to my friends and family and people that actually know about my past and things I’ve gone through and just know about me as a person are better to talk to and more therapeutic. I also think doing things like reading, writing, watching movies, listening to music, exercise and really any hobbies people might have can also be viewed as therapy and help improve the mental state of people. Those are things I like doing and which I definitely think help when I’m feeling anxious such as writing on this blog.

That’s all for tonight and I’d like to hear your thoughts as well down below in the comments section!

As always, have a goodnight!

Ocean Vacation

So I talk a lot about what makes me anxious and stressed everyday so I thought today I would go in a little bit of a different direction and talk about what helps me de-stress and relax.

I love listening to music and just relaxing and I also love reading books (Especially the Harry Potter books) but the thing that makes me the most happy and relaxed is going to the beach. Both of my grandmothers live in New Jersey and I’ve spent most of my life going to the beach for the summer and the boardwalk. I just feel so relaxed and at peace when I go to the ocean and listen to the waves and feel the sand under my toes. I also love walking through the woods so really I think just being out in nature helps me relax and de-stress. Unfortunately I also burn really easily so these two things tend to conflict.

My boyfriend has never been to New Jersey or the boardwalk so I’m hoping the two of us can take a short vacation this year and go visit the beach and that will definitely make me feel better since I’ve been super stressed lately with work and living with my parents still.

So yeah, that’s a little bit of what helps me relax and de-stress. What do you do for fun and to help relax in your spare time?

As always, have a goodnight!

When Your Anxiety is Convinced the World is Going to End

So before I go ahead and launch into this post a few notes of caution:

1-This post is probably mostly fueled by my anxiety. I’m sure the world leaders can handle the situations I talk about in this post or they wouldn’t be world leaders.

2-This post is depressing! If you want to be happy and keep your sanity I suggest reading one of my other posts. Maybe a poem or short story!

Without further ado, here we go.

So after reading 2 news articles I have fully convinced myself the world is going to end. Or, as I so eloquently just texted my friend at 11:30pm, “I read the news and I’ve convinced myself thaat we’re all going to die from nuclear war soon but all anyone cares about is what Kim Kardashian is wearing and the government only cares about making us poor people poorer when it won’t matter because the world is going to end before I even get married and have kids :(.”

And no, I did not use any punctuation in the actual text message either. I would also like everyone to keep in mind that I had the same level of anxiety while thinking about the end of the world as I did while texting my friend saying I wanted to change the design of the tattoo I’m getting for our best friend tattoos. Because, priorities.

So getting back to the article at hand, it was basically an article about the World getting a two minute warning to nuclear war according to the doomsday clock and about how North Korea doesn’t want to give up their nuclear weapons. This with an article I read about Russia developing a supersonic weapon that will be ready in 2 years sent my anxiety on a field trip.

Like I said before, I’m sure that everything will be fine and that world leaders will be able to handle it. My anxiety, however, has no faith in our world leaders at all. So here I am sitting in my bed and googling how to stop a nuclear war from the comfort of my bedroom.

On the other hand I seem to have no anxiety currently over my medical bills or my student loan or anything that is a more imminent threat than the end of the world.

 

I guess since my anxiety is currently convinced that the world is going to end, it figures I won’t have to worry about my financial and personal troubles as much. This is actually a plus since it give me a break from freaking out about everyday stuff like I usually do.

So, anyway, that’s my anxiety’s dilemma for the day. Give me any feedback below. I’d like to hear what your anxiety convinces you about, or even any tips or tricks people have to get themselves out of anxious moods like this where you worry way more than necessary. Or even your thoughts on the doomsday clock and potential end of the world.

As always, have a good night!

Trouble At Home

So…I’d like to talk about some personal stuff with you guys (another reason why I keep my identity and stuff about me private). I don’t really feel like I have many people to talk to since the issues I’m having are with my family and it’s hard to talk to my boyfriend and people around me because I live in one of those towns where everyone knows everyone and it’s something I don’t really want spread around.

My dad is kind of a dick.

I attribute the anxiety and depression I suffer from to him and my childhood living with him. He used to drink a lot when I was child and was drunk a lot of the time and quite violent. Physically, emotionally, and verbally. That last for about 10 years of my childhood. He finally stopped drinking after I had surgery for scoliosis and it was successful. It was at this point I realized that that’s just his personality and I just happen to be blessed with crappy parents. My mom was also (and still is) quite a heavy drinker. My dad and her split up when I was quite young and I was stuck between him being abusive and drunk most of the time and her breaking promises and (when I did see her) being drunk and out of it. So all in all my childhood wasn’t the best. Being around drunken parents who get mad over things that  seem small in scale will definitely give you anxiety.

So fast forward to today when my step mom and dad are fighting because my step brother (who lives next door) buried dad’s old broken lawn mower (supposedly on purpose). My dad takes everything very personally and gets angry over the smallest things. It’s hard to even have a conversation with him anymore. Sometimes it’s just hard living in a home that doesn’t feel like home.

There is a silver lining in this. My boyfriend. Not be one of *those* people but I really do feel like he’s my home and I feel like I can get through anything as long as he’s by my side. No matter what I’m going through I know I still have him and that helps a LOT when it comes to my anxiety (especially when people are fighting).

I am also thankful for my wonderful readers and anonymity where I can truly talk to you guys about anything!

Thank you and, as always, have a goodnight!

Trichotillomania

“Trichotillomania is a type of impulse control disorder. People with these disorders know that they can do damage by acting on the impulses, but they cannot stop themselves. They may pull out their hair when they’re stressed as a way to try to soothe themselves.” Source-www.webmd.com/anxiety-panic/guide/trichotillomania

So this is going to be a short post because I had to stay late at work tonight and then file some things online and I’m exhausted. I have trichotillomania. Luckily in my case it’s very minor. I pull my eyelashes out sometimes when I’m feeling particularly stressed. By now I’ve been doing it for so long that I sometimes do it just out of boredom without realizing I’m doing it. I found out what it was called somewhat coincidentally. I was sitting in my high school psychology class and was feeling particularly nervous because we were discussing anxiety disorders and I was just starting to wonder if I could be suffering from anxiety. It was as I plucking out an eyelash that my teacher started to talk about Trichotillomania…during which I forced myself to stop touching my eyelashes by sitting on my hands. I also pull on, twist, play with, and break my hair on my head quite often. As I said it’s fairly mild in my case so it’s usually just a strand at a time. I was just curious if anyone else reading this has this issue? I don’t really know how common it is and although I know many people suffer from anxiety I’m not sure how many people suffer from this particular anxiety disorder.

In my next post or the one after that (if my next post is a short story) I will talk about different ticks I have when I’m feeling anxious that I sometimes don’t even realize are ticks and didn’t start to notice until I came to terms with having anxiety. I will also go further into why I consider myself to have anxiety and the struggles that come with it. As always, have a goodnight! Please comment below if there’s anything you’d like to know as well. I am actually very easy to talk to!

You totally don’t have anxiety…said my anxiety

Today I wanted to talk about something that I experience a lot. As I mentioned in a previous post, I haven’t been professionally diagnosed with anxiety or depression and because of that sometimes I get anxious….about my anxiety. I have moments where I convince myself that I don’t have anxiety, I’m just crazy. Like the night before I was going to go to my boyfriend’s moms for Christmas and I was worrying because I had only gotten her a card and lottery ticket for Christmas and she had gotten me a ton of gifts. I sat there overthinking everything like how maybe I should run out and get something at 1am and how maybe if I didn’t get her anything she wouldn’t like me and would think I wasn’t good enough for her son and how maybe she didn’t like me already and this would just make it worse and OhMyGod what if she talks to him and his sister behind my back about how much she doesn’t like me? At this point I had reduced myself to tears over going to his mom’s for Christmas. It was also during this anxiety attack that I convinced myself I didn’t actually have anxiety. That I was just crazy and that I shouldn’t be thinking the way I was thinking. So then I started having anxiety about having anxiety.

It doesn’t help when you have family that, when you try to talk to them about, says it’s all in your head and if you just focus hard enough you can get rid of it. Like I haven’t tried that before. Like I haven’t tried writing, meditation, yoga, exercise. Any natural thing I can thing of short of anti psychotics. I don’t even like taking medicine for my hypothyroidism.

Anyway that’s my short rant for today. Has anyone else ever felt like this? Let me know in the comments and, as always, have a good night!

PS: I don’t know why but I love this song and it brings me peace.

Writing Prompt Short Story

an angel meticulously plans a criminal act with a monster

Ok so above is my writing prompt and below will be the story. I decided to try something new. If any of my followers have any writing prompts that they’d like me to use to write a short story let me know in the comments! Thank you!

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Sabella paced back and forth. Well I guess hovered would be the better term as her wings were fluttering at the speed of light and keeping her floating above the ground. She looked at the old and rusted clock on the wall for the thirtieth time in the past five minutes. “Where is that stupid troll?” she thought out loud. She shouldn’t even be here. She should be lounging on a cloud and pouring rain through the western hemisphere. Not here in this dirty, old, abandoned train station waiting to help a troll rob the palace.

Finally she heard shuffling through the halls. The green troll rounded the corner. At 8 feet tall, he had to duck under the ancient arches. His skin was scaly and rough and he had a slimy ooze running down his body at a steady rate. He walked towards Sabella at such a slow rate that she started hovering even higher as her anxiety grew. Each second longer that she was there she got more anxious. Constantly looking around and even up to make sure no one was there. Finally Glert, the troll, got to Sabella and looked up at her. She immediately launched into a million questions.

“How did it go? Did you talk to the council? Did you explain exactly what we were doing? OhMyGod are we really DOING what we’re doing? Should we not do what we’re thinking about doing? How’s my brother? Did you see my brother? Oh God what if they don’t even HAVE my brother? Are you sure they have my brother?” She finally took a deep breath and stopped her tirade, looking at Glert expectantly.

He very slowly blinked before simply replying, “Are you ready?” In a loud and brutish voice.

Sabella deflated. It was apparent she wasn’t going to get any answers out of Glert.

“Yes, yes I..I suppose we better go.”

She followed Glert out of the train station and into the dark night. Right in front of the palace. “Are…are you sure there isn’t anything you and your brother would like more than the royal jewels? A shiny precious stone perhaps…from a river? An unguarded river even?”

Glert just grunted and kept moving forward. Sabella sighed and waited for Glert to do his part in this heist. As he started throwing rocks at the palace, Sabella glided into the palace through the door that the guards left open as they ran after what they thought were children. She just hoped Gert didn’t hurt them….or worse. She glided silently and invisible through the palace and took the royal jewels, easier than a kid reaching into a cookie jar. As per their plan she left the palace and returned to the abandoned train station. There she found Glert already waiting…covered in blood.

“Oh…oh did you have to kill them?” Sabella cried. She collapsed to the ground holding her heart. The death of humankind always pained her.

Glert just grunted again. “Jewels.”

“Wha..oh, oh right. Very well. That’s all you care about. All you wanted anyway.” Sabella threw the jewels at Glerts feet. He picked them up gingerly. The most gentle movement Sabella had ever seen him make. After inspecting them for a minute he nodded and seemed satisfied.

Sabella spoke up, “Now…now that I have upheld the part of my bargain, I want my brother back.”

Glert looked at her for a moment before nodding. He started walking deeper into the tunnel and Sabella took is as a sign to follow. She followed Glert to a big iron door that she hadn’t known was there. Glert knocked 5 times in a rhythmic pattern and the door opened. Inside she couldn’t see anyone or anything that had opened the door. In here were more doors than she could ever imagine. Gert led her to a tall heavy one that looked enchanted. As she approached she felt herself getting weaker. The enchantment was to suppress magic. Gert opened the door and stood aside.

Sabella looked hesitantly inside. “Gabriel?” she called into the room. Her voice echoed letting her know how large the room was. She took a couple more steps in and suddenly the door clanged shut behind her. She immediately rushed back to the door and started banging on it.

“Glert! Glert! Open the door! We had a deal!” she screamed. She yelled and yelled but the door stayed shut. She walked to the back of the room and searched around. It was big and round…and extremely empty.  She got to the last corner of the room and gasped. There, on the floor, was her brother Gabriel. He was dead. She sobbed and fell against the floor. Facing the same fate as her dear brother.

*************************************************************************************Alternate ending: 

Sabella looked hesitantly inside the large room. “Gabriel, are you in there?” She heard no response. Her voice echoed letting her know how large the room was. She looked back at Glert who stood motionless and hesitantly took a few more steps into the dark room. Immediately she heard the heavy metal door shut behind her.

“Glert! Open the door! Please! We had a deal! Please, I just want my brother back!”

Suddenly through the small space in the door her brother, Gabriel appeared.

“Gabriel! Oh I am so happy you’re ok! Please, open the door so we can get out of here and go home!” She cried with relief. They’d finally be going back home. After a moment though she realized the door wasn’t opening. She looked at her brother still standing there.

“Gabriel…why aren’t you opening the door? Please!”

Gabriel turned away from her, “I am sorry sister…goodbye.”

The small opening in the door was shut as Gabriel walked away.

“NO! No Gabriel please! Come back! Please!” Sabella sobbed, banging against the heavy door. She pounded at the door, the tears flowing freely. After what seemed like ages she slid down onto the cold hard floor. She would never escape from this room.

*************************************************************************************So that’s my story for the writing prompt, I hope you all liked it. I couldn’t decide which ending I liked better so I decided to put them both up. Let me know in the comments which you liked better! And, as always, have a good night!

The almost wedding of Julia Parker

I sat in the taxi fidgeting the tulle under my gown and thinking I’d rather be at home in my flannel pajamas instead of going to this wedding any day. My wedding as it turned out. You would think in 21st century America arranged weddings would be extinct. Unfortunately for me I was 1/28th part Indian and my parents were 1/10th Indian. Spiritually and mentally however they were 100% Indian through and through so it should have come to no surprise when they told me they were marrying me to an Indian prince who live in Oklahoma but was wealthy from the land and people he owned back in India. I kicked and screamed and didn’t eat for a week but I couldn’t convince them to let me out of it. Another downside of being part Indian was that I was spoiled rotten by my parents who were rich from an inheritance. Some long lost Aunt had died back in India and even though my mother couldn’t remember her she was apparently the favorite niece. This meant I had no job, no income, and no place of my own. If I disobeyed my parents and didn’t go through with the marriage I would be homeless in the middle of nowhere, Oklahoma. My name is Julia Parker. I am 19 years old and I am being married to a 29 year old man who I have never met who has 3 wives back in India. I repeated this to myself in the taxi numerous times because part of me still couldn’t believe it was happening. And then there was Alex.

Alex was my best friend back in Rhode Island. We talked and hung out all the time and only because I would sneak out at night. My parents would have a stroke at the thought of me being unsupervised with a male. Especially a 22 year old white male with full tattoo sleeves on each arm. Alex dressed almost entirely in leather or denim and rode a Harley. He was rough and tough on the exterior but inside was sweet as cotton candy. The feeling where it’s almost too sweet but you can’t help to take another bite. The truth was that recently I had started looking at Alex as more than a friend. The subtle hand brushes against our sides or the just too long hugs made me think that maybe he felt the same. I sighed as a loud honk brought me back to the present. We had arrived at the church for my very traditional Indian wedding complete with belly dances. I exited the taxi and walked towards the church. Looking around I saw bright colors, heard the drums being played and even heard the horse that the groom would arrive on. Out of the corner of my eye I thought I saw a flash of black. Shiny black leather. I whipped my head around but no one was there except the belly dancers. Heading into the church I caught a glimpse of the canopy we would stand under for the ceremony. It was tall and actually quite pretty. The whole thing would be pretty if I wasn’t so against it all.

I was walking towards the powder room when I was grabbed from behind and dragged into a small dressing room. I would have screamed had a hand not covered my mouth. Looking down I saw the finishes of an ornate tattoo sleeve. I spun around and came face to face with Alex. He didn’t say anything, just leaned forward and kissed me on the lips. We looked into each other’s eyes and I realized he didn’t need to say anything. He gave me his famous half smirk and grabbed my hand as we tip toed through the kitchen and out the back door.

I suddenly didn’t worry about anything. I wasn’t worried about where we would go or how we would afford it or even what my parents would think. I couldn’t stop myself from laughing as we rode to the train station on the groom’s stolen horse.

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So the part in bold was my writing prompt for this story. It could definitely have been improved with more length and detail. Maybe even what happens to Julia and Alex or more about how they met but I’m feeling quite exhausted today and I do actually like the picture of them taking off on the groom’s horse which is what the groom usually rides in on in a traditional Indian wedding. I did a little bit of internet research for this one and I hope everything was correct as far as Indian weddings go. I hope you all enjoyed the story and, as always, have a good night!

Sinuses!

Is anyone else having horrible sinus issues? My head feels like it’s stuffed with cotton balls! I usually have that during this time of year but it seems to be even worse this year. I am going to try to post a short story or a poem later on. Not feeling up to par lately. I hope everyone is doing well!

I have been having some anxiety lately because I am moving to a different shift at work in the next few weeks. I have covered for that shift a couple times so I do know what needs to get done but it’s still nerve-wracking. Ironically I think it will be LESS stressful once I get started because I work in retail and the shift I am moving to is the least busy out of all the shifts. My main reasons for moving shifts are that it includes a pay raise and also my boyfriend is moving shifts at his job and we will be working at around the same times instead of how it is now where i’m going into work as he’s getting out of work.

Currently I am watching HellBoy II: The Golden Army. What are everyone else’s favorite movies?

I’m sorry that this post was so short and not filled with my usual deep discussion today. Just not feeling myself. I am going to try to write some short fiction and get it posted before bed and you will likely have another post “today” as it’s 12:21am right now where I am. As always, I hope you all have a good night!

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Life and how I'm coping with it (along with some writing)