All posts by plutorawr

Just someone blogging to try to cope and manage anxiety and to reach other people and communicate! Thank you. I would also like to put here, as is in one of my posts, all pictures in my posts, besides the header used in the default blog design, are taken and edited by me and I ask you don't use them without my permission. I know not everyone will listen so, if you do, please at least credit this blog for them. Thank you.

Hooked Inc

Hey guys! Just a small preview of a game I’ve been playing called Hooked Inc on my phone! Let me know what you think!!

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What’s the point?

I haven’t been writing often.

The reason for that is two sided but they also intertwine.

I’ve been struggling with feeling depressed lately. I’ve been tired and sluggish and emotional and losing interest in everyday activities.

Another reason, that could be fueling my depression is often I’ll sit down to write but it’ll occur to me that my writing doesn’t matter. That my words will have no impact on anyone. That what I have to say doesn’t matter to anyone. And that’s when I have to wonder what the point is writing anything at all in the first place.

I love writing and being creative and I hope I can get back into the swing of things. Until then I hope you can all be patient with me and understanding while I try to find inspiration. Thank you all.

Random poem (nsfw)

I want you to bite my neck
We’re just talking and I’m so wet
The angel on my shoulder has abandoned me
Because I’m flirting with the devil
And I like how your claws rip my skin
Your love can’t be worse than the hell I’m in
I want you to fuck me raw
Until I can’t stand and I’m forced to crawl
I want to touch until I can feel your pain
Kiss me until I go insane
I want to fuck on ecstasy
So I can feel you feeling me
I want to taste your blood in my mouth,
I don’t do drugs but I needa fix
And you could fuck me up with just one kiss
Breathing hard until I pass out
Wake up, do it all again.
Be your sex slave, in my head.

Lost Again

I flinch when you yell too loud,

Even when it’s not at me.

And I cry behind my hands,

When I know you can’t see.

I try to hide the pain and the anxiety

I smile even when my heart is breaking

And I’ve lost track of everything I should be faking

I’m ashamed of this sickness, this hold it has on me

And my reactions to this ridiculous disease.

I don’t know how to tell you that I can see the demons in my head.

That they’re so real to me, sometimes I hide from them.

I keep my heart closed so it can’t break again.

And I write out these words when I want it to end.

But on the outside I look fine and I laugh and I joke.

And then I turn away right before I’m about to choke.

When I open up and try to say what’s wrong,

These words get stuck and all tangled up.

I get so defensive, I even get mad at myself.

But all I hear is silence when I’m screaming for help.

They’re like, it’s a defense mechanism and you’ll be fine,

But I’m so fucking defensive all the fucking time.

If I didn’t do anything wrong, why am I sitting here in tears?

And why do I feel like you’re gone even when you’re right here?

I feel like I’ve lost you and everyone else.

When really the only person I’ve lost is myself.

Her Broken Mechanical Heart

She dropped the wrench on the ground. She was so flustered these days that she couldn’t even fix this simple hover bot she had been working on. A project that usually took her 2 days was now headed into a week and a half and the owner was threatening to take his business elsewhere. To the mechanic cyborg down the street. And that was just the problem.

That stubborn, mechanical, shiny and sexy cyborg. He was part machine, part human. Mostly machine but his face was still ruggedly handsome, and his smirk made her mechanical heart skip a beat. She was becoming defective, she needed a new upgrade. She shouldn’t be feeling this way. There was nothing in her programming that would constitute what was going on. Her heart was thumping along much faster than the metal wires should have allowed. Her brain components were going haywire. And her usually perfect bionic sight went all hazy when she was near him.

Both of them being mechanics she was near him quite often. They worked in a small village and they were constantly competing for clients and for work. She worked her mechanical butt off trying to out work him and get more business…at least, that’s how it used to be. Until she fell in love with him. Now she wasn’t focused, was taking longer to work on her projects and was losing customers to him. And he had no idea. He couldn’t feel emotion. Up until 3 months ago, she hadn’t been able to either. But something had snapped in her. Had short circuited. Now she was feeling things forbidden to her kind and having thoughts that would make her creator keel over. And that wasn’t even the worst. The worst was the dreams.

Every night when plugged in to charge up the dreams came. Dreams of them together working, out on walks, in bed…thoughts that couldn’t come true because of basic anatomy but that didn’t stop her mind from wandering. And lately the human part of her that was left seemed to being forcing it’s dominance on the rest of her. If she didn’t get fixed soon she would be doomed to a life of loneliness, and, no income.

She decided to go see the cyborg doctor in the morning, as she gave up, again, on her hover bot project.

*************************************************************************************

Hey everyone! That’s everything! I hope you liked it and please let me know if you want to hear more. I might definitely write more. This is an idea i’ve been toying around with for a while and I would love to flesh it out a bit!

Again thank you everyone for sticking with me and I definitely plan to be writing more in the future than I have been!

Goodnight,

Crystal

Return from an unplanned hiatus

Hey everyone!

I know it’s been a couple months since I’ve written anything on here and I just want to apologize for that. I moved in with my boyfriend and his sister about two months ago and the original plan was that right after we got internet set up in the new house I would start writing again.

Well with it being an older house some things came up with the plumbing and insulation and stuff and with getting all of that fixed and now getting ready for the Christmas season it’s all been a bit overwhelming while also getting used to an overnight shift.

I appreciate everyone’s understanding and promise I will  be writing on here more from now on. Hopefully later tonight I can write a longer piece, maybe something fiction and get back on the ball. I am back on my thyroid medicine after neglecting to take it for a while and am feeling a bit better. Thank you everyone again for the continued support. I was blown awhile when I realized that not only had I not lost all my followers,  but there were still people checking my blog even though I hadn’t written in months. This gave me an overwhelming sense of hope and support and I can’t thank you enough!

Love, Plutorawr (aka-Crystal)

Hey everyone!

How’s everyone doing today?

I hope everyone is getting along well and having success with their blogging.

I did a post a while ago about my top 3 songs at the moment and it was pretty popular so I thought I’d do another one like that.

Before we get into it I want to say a huge thank you to TheBlogComplainer who posted my poem on his site. Please go check him out!

Another quick note: I am hoping to be moved into the new place by the 22nd and I work everyday until the 21st so I will try to blog as often as I can but I might not be able to regularly.

With all that stated here we go!

My first current favorite song is Throne by Bring Me The Horizon.

This actually isn’t a band I listen to very often but I have been listening to this particular song a lot lately and I love the beat and I especially love the lyrics as well. Even if you don’t normally listen to that kind of music I definitely recommend it and it’s actually the song I’m listening to as I write this. (And how I just realized I need a new headset)

 

The second song that I have been listening to a lot is an old favorite and I’m not actually crazy about the verses but I absolutely love the chorus and that’s Gravity by Papa Roach. I’m not a huge rap fan and I wish the verses weren’t so screamy but I still love the song.

 

The last song is quite different from the other two since it’s a country song and it’s actually a pretty sad song but it’s been prompted by seeing someone I haven’t seen in a very very long time and I have had it stuck in my head for about a week now and that’s Mine Would Be You by Blake Shelton

 

I hope you guys liked this post and if there’s any other certain kinds of post you would like me to do let me know! Also feel free to share with your other blogger friends and I would be glad to let someone guest blog on one of my posts if you’d like!

Thanks again for all the support!

Cold Feet?

Hey everyone!

How is everyone? So I know it’s been a while but I have been working on moving lately and it’s been hectic with packing and work and my boyfriend’s grandmother is up for vacation.

I’ve been feeling kinda hesitant lately though and I’m not sure whether that’s normal or not. I’m moving in with my boyfriend and his sister and I’m getting a big case of nerves. I’ve lived with my parents for 25 years now and it’s going to be a big change from what I’m used to.

I suppose I’m also kinda worried that once we’re living together we might come across issues that we haven’t before and I’m worried if we can overcome them or not.

If you have read my blog before you know that I have anxiety and this could just be caused from nerves and from the unreasonable anxiety I get sometimes.

I guess I’m just using this blog post to vent because I’ve been having a lot of worries lately and I’m not sure where to turn to.

If anyone else has been in this kinda situation let me know and how you ended up. Maybe it will end up helping me too. Thanks again and thanks for all the support!

Also a big shoutout to the Blog Complainer for putting my poem on his blog and sharing it with his viewers!

One Day

I’m screaming out into the dark

My hands reaching out between the bars

Begging for me to open my eyes

I rattle and shake the bars

I kick at the door and the chain trying to get out

Trying to break free

I know you’re there

I know you can hear me

Please stop turning away!

We can get through this together

I yell to myself

I know it’s all in my mind

It’s all there and I don’t know why

I try to fight

To push and to pull, anything to lift this veil keeping me here

This cage is too strong and I don’t know how to just open the door

I’m tired from fighting this war

So I sigh deeply and sit back down on the floor

 

Moving

Hey everyone!

I just want to apologize for the long delays in me writing. I’m currently packing and getting ready to move by the end of the month so it’s been really hectic and busy. I’m hoping after I’ve moved that I will have more time to write and really connect with you guys and hopefully even get some videos out!

For now I hope you guys enjoy this short poem!

You can also check out my poetry on Allpoetry.com under the name Angelgreen39

Speaking in Tongues

Your breath is like smoke
Hot and humid, burning up my skin.
All consuming, all around me.
You’re in all my senses, seeping through my pores
We’re speaking without the interruption of sound.
Your tongue is like the lick of a flame
Hot and sensuous on my body
My nerves hit with bolts like lightning
I gasp in a breath.
My mind freezes up
In the heat of the inferno
And I understand you perfectly
As you burn me up in flames.