Lost Again

I flinch when you yell too loud,

Even when it’s not at me.

And I cry behind my hands,

When I know you can’t see.

I try to hide the pain and the anxiety

I smile even when my heart is breaking

And I’ve lost track of everything I should be faking

I’m ashamed of this sickness, this hold it has on me

And my reactions to this ridiculous disease.

I don’t know how to tell you that I can see the demons in my head.

That they’re so real to me, sometimes I hide from them.

I keep my heart closed so it can’t break again.

And I write out these words when I want it to end.

But on the outside I look fine and I laugh and I joke.

And then I turn away right before I’m about to choke.

When I open up and try to say what’s wrong,

These words get stuck and all tangled up.

I get so defensive, I even get mad at myself.

But all I hear is silence when I’m screaming for help.

They’re like, it’s a defense mechanism and you’ll be fine,

But I’m so fucking defensive all the fucking time.

If I didn’t do anything wrong, why am I sitting here in tears?

And why do I feel like you’re gone even when you’re right here?

I feel like I’ve lost you and everyone else.

When really the only person I’ve lost is myself.

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