Lost Again

I flinch when you yell too loud,

Even when it’s not at me.

And I cry behind my hands,

When I know you can’t see.

I try to hide the pain and the anxiety

I smile even when my heart is breaking

And I’ve lost track of everything I should be faking

I’m ashamed of this sickness, this hold it has on me

And my reactions to this ridiculous disease.

I don’t know how to tell you that I can see the demons in my head.

That they’re so real to me, sometimes I hide from them.

I keep my heart closed so it can’t break again.

And I write out these words when I want it to end.

But on the outside I look fine and I laugh and I joke.

And then I turn away right before I’m about to choke.

When I open up and try to say what’s wrong,

These words get stuck and all tangled up.

I get so defensive, I even get mad at myself.

But all I hear is silence when I’m screaming for help.

They’re like, it’s a defense mechanism and you’ll be fine,

But I’m so fucking defensive all the fucking time.

If I didn’t do anything wrong, why am I sitting here in tears?

And why do I feel like you’re gone even when you’re right here?

I feel like I’ve lost you and everyone else.

When really the only person I’ve lost is myself.

Her Broken Mechanical Heart

She dropped the wrench on the ground. She was so flustered these days that she couldn’t even fix this simple hover bot she had been working on. A project that usually took her 2 days was now headed into a week and a half and the owner was threatening to take his business elsewhere. To the mechanic cyborg down the street. And that was just the problem.

That stubborn, mechanical, shiny and sexy cyborg. He was part machine, part human. Mostly machine but his face was still ruggedly handsome, and his smirk made her mechanical heart skip a beat. She was becoming defective, she needed a new upgrade. She shouldn’t be feeling this way. There was nothing in her programming that would constitute what was going on. Her heart was thumping along much faster than the metal wires should have allowed. Her brain components were going haywire. And her usually perfect bionic sight went all hazy when she was near him.

Both of them being mechanics she was near him quite often. They worked in a small village and they were constantly competing for clients and for work. She worked her mechanical butt off trying to out work him and get more business…at least, that’s how it used to be. Until she fell in love with him. Now she wasn’t focused, was taking longer to work on her projects and was losing customers to him. And he had no idea. He couldn’t feel emotion. Up until 3 months ago, she hadn’t been able to either. But something had snapped in her. Had short circuited. Now she was feeling things forbidden to her kind and having thoughts that would make her creator keel over. And that wasn’t even the worst. The worst was the dreams.

Every night when plugged in to charge up the dreams came. Dreams of them together working, out on walks, in bed…thoughts that couldn’t come true because of basic anatomy but that didn’t stop her mind from wandering. And lately the human part of her that was left seemed to being forcing it’s dominance on the rest of her. If she didn’t get fixed soon she would be doomed to a life of loneliness, and, no income.

She decided to go see the cyborg doctor in the morning, as she gave up, again, on her hover bot project.

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Hey everyone! That’s everything! I hope you liked it and please let me know if you want to hear more. I might definitely write more. This is an idea i’ve been toying around with for a while and I would love to flesh it out a bit!

Again thank you everyone for sticking with me and I definitely plan to be writing more in the future than I have been!

Goodnight,

Crystal

Return from an unplanned hiatus

Hey everyone!

I know it’s been a couple months since I’ve written anything on here and I just want to apologize for that. I moved in with my boyfriend and his sister about two months ago and the original plan was that right after we got internet set up in the new house I would start writing again.

Well with it being an older house some things came up with the plumbing and insulation and stuff and with getting all of that fixed and now getting ready for the Christmas season it’s all been a bit overwhelming while also getting used to an overnight shift.

I appreciate everyone’s understanding and promise I will¬† be writing on here more from now on. Hopefully later tonight I can write a longer piece, maybe something fiction and get back on the ball. I am back on my thyroid medicine after neglecting to take it for a while and am feeling a bit better. Thank you everyone again for the continued support. I was blown awhile when I realized that not only had I not lost all my followers,¬† but there were still people checking my blog even though I hadn’t written in months. This gave me an overwhelming sense of hope and support and I can’t thank you enough!

Love, Plutorawr (aka-Crystal)